The New Green New Deal

As the responses of President Trump and his enablers have become more comical each day, I began to daydream…

One of the more chuckle-inducing claims that made its way ’round the World Wide Web of Deceit is that over ten thousand dead people voted in Michigan. This claim has, of course, been debunked many times over. Not that it should even need debunking – wouldn’t that be a pretty easy thing to discover, and therefore a pretty dumb way to try and steal an election?

Then it occurred to me – people that believe this will believe anything. So then it further occurred to me – what if somebody planted a new idea in the hive mind?…

Attention Trump Nation! Our fearless leader has finally completed his own personal purchase of Greenland! But – and this is CRITICAL – he has commanded all of us to immediately begin colonization, so that we can build a new wall of ice (better than the crappy one in Game of Thrones) and establish a new utopia free of all liberal socialist commie godless bleeding heart Jedi scum. Fire up the RVs! It’s time for a road trip to the biggest island on Earth! I mean, just look at it on a map – it’s huge! Biggest island ever! And it’s ours! All ours! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….

Probably would need some word-smithing, but stay with me on this. If we plant this message, I guarantee more than zero people will start their mouses a’clickin’. If it truly catches fire, we could kill a whole lotta birds with one stone. People that don’t believe tens of thousands of dead people vote would be happier, and so would the new residents of Greenland. Eventually, Trump would realize all his friends have left, so he’d concede the election and move there too. And then he’d be UNEMPLOYED. In GREEN-LAND.

Meanwhile, back in Murica, we’d formally rename ourselves back to America, and the Biden administration would be able to move ahead full steam with transition planning while our still completely stupid Electoral College process plays itself out. Republicans in Congress would finally be able to stop saying things like “well the President has a point about all these dead people voting”, and the two sides of the aisle might even eventually start working out the occasional deal here and there like old times. Approval and distribution of the COVID-19 vaccine would be governed by adults, and we might start to find some form of normalcy by mid to late 2021.

Mean-meanwhile, the new citizens of Greenland would eventually discover through the melting of their beautiful new glaciers that climate change is real, and then they’d realize maybe they went a little overboard the past few years. They would send Trump to the Greenland Penitentiary for income tax evasion and move back home like so many millions of prodigal sons and daughters, where they would happily discover that for the fifteenth time in the past fifteen Democratic Presidencies, we did not turn into a communist regime. And America would live happily ever after, especially the dead people, who would never again have to show up in court to testify that they didn’t vote.

The End

(cue patriotic exit music)

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